Each of us has lessons to learn at any given time in our lives. The Universe delivers opportunities often cloaked as annoyances or challenges calling us to take the next step in our development. It’s very easy for me to see and coach others’ growth edges. It’s not as easy for me to observe or negotiate my own.
First an easy (non-coaching) scenario: I attend a fellowship meeting in a building where several groups convene at the same time. There’s a particularly noisy crowd across the hall from my session. A colleague in my room was disturbed by its volume and said, “Would one of you go over there and ask them to close the door?” I responded that I wasn’t bothered by it, but if she was, she could deal with it. It was a clear-cut illustration of who owned the problem. It was hers to respond to.
What’s been repeatedly coming up for me these days (well, always really…) is other people’s lateness. It’s a boundary issue–clients calling 5-10 minutes late, canceling within the 24-hour time frame I request, and the no-show’s or excuse makers in groups that are dependent on all members’ compliance. When I have to deal with this ‘misbehavior’ I tense up.
I discussed this with my coach because I don’t like the feeling of being rigid or inflexible. It feels hard. I physically tighten up and I don’t like the sensation. Complicating this is an expression I’d love to live by: wear life like a loose garment. I’m trying to reconcile that approach with this uncomfortable internal intensity.
Michele reframed it for me. My stand for impeccability in the form of punctuality is a strength. It doesn’t work for me to have the container of my relationships, group or team compromised by others behavior.
What’s actually hard is my not owning the truth of it. It doesn’t work for me. Simple as that. Yet, I find it difficult to say those words. That’s my growing edge. To simply and clearly take a stand for what has meaning for me.
I know this. I teach this, and I forget it.
this particular topic happens to be an issue i also deal with – i followed what you were saying, i think, right up to the end – i see that boiled down issue so to speak is that “it does not work for you” – now what? how do you deal with this issue? will it be different for each individual so we all have to figure out how we would handle such a situation when it comes up – and then not let it get us so tense?
Jane,
This was really helpful to me to read.
First of all, because I am often late on my commitments. As I sit here I can think of three things that should have been taken care of yesterday and two that should have been off my plate WEEKS ago!
Second, and best, is that I have been struggling with asking for things to be done my way, as I wish, instead of bending always to others’ comfort level. It is just really hard for me to take that position. It is beautifully simple, once I push through my discomfort, and almost never as big a deal to the other people involved as I feared it would be.
Great to read this. Thanks.
@Gini
What I believe is that the more you do take a position for yourself, the easier it gets moving forward. Just think of all the little things that used to bother you 5-10 years ago that you’ve dealt with. They seem minor now, right? Taking a stand gets easier and stops being as scary. Plus, the issues you need to take a stand on are higher level.
@Dale
Great question! For me, it’s owning my piece first and foremost. If I say to a client, “Your forgetting our appointments and then wanting to re-schedule doesn’t work for me. How would you like to handle it moving forward?” This puts the onus of responsibility on them. If they’re not willing to take it on, then I’m not the right coach and we’ve both learned something important.
I definitely deal with this almost every day (this morning actually with a reporter telling the NEAFA calendar show story incorrectly). It does feel weird–I know it when I feel that guilt feeling coming on, like–“well, where do I come off telling this person what I believe…” and then I realize this is my gremlin talking, and then I have to decide whether “what isn’t working for me” is worth taking a stand on. Most of the time it is–it seems like it is about getting comfortable with who you are and who you are becoming(that part is the scarey part–to me). In the past year of establishing my foundation I have had to take stands with the people closest to me. So far, one by one have come back around. I could feel bad about it all happening but instead I just said “Jill, you have to stand up for what you believe and you don’t want to be a doormat for anyone, especially your best friends and loved ones.” I never closed the door on anyone because they didn’t understand why something wasn’t working for me and I think they get it, although a few seem outright jealous of what I am doing. Am I making sense??
@Jill
You’re perfectly underlining this entry. What’s so great is that the client who called late twice and missed an appointment, for which she was charged, called on the button today for her appointment. It didn’t feel good to say I was going to charge for the missed appointment, but the impact was the desired result–respect for my time. Hold the bar high, my fellow journeyer.
Jane,
This is completely what I deal with weekly in coaching my team or having meetings and getting people to RSVP to meetings. I find it rude and unexceptable to be late and keep everyone late, then to have to hear why they are late with the apology. Sometimes it warrants it and it happens to everyone. Typically it’s the same people who value their own time at the Expen$e of others. Instead of it effecting my minutes, I’ve now gifted them back their time and ask if there is a better time each week as this is not working for them or myself. I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who puts a value on time, as time is money. That’s why the clock is universal.
@Sheila
You’re so right about the universality of the clock! Great point. It’s interesting for individuals to note where they are in relation to their own clocks.