I credit Wayne Dyer with the quote, “You get treated in life the way you teach others to treat you.” He was my first guru starting in the early 80’s. It was back then that I began to question my upbringing for the first time. I began to note how that upbringing impacted everything else in my life including my friendships, business relationships and practices.
Well into my self-development journey decades later, ninety percent of my connections now feel mutually respectful and loving. I attribute the less-loving and less-aware ten percent to MY not having set boundaries early and sufficiently. When someone shows up late for every date, misses scheduled appointments, or seems to value what I do more than who I am, my stomach starts to tighten, my palms get sweaty, and I begin to plan revenge scenarios or ‘never again’ retributions. I’ve rarely confessed to the other that I have a thing about punctuality, staying informed or feeling used which makes it all the worse for them and me.
Admitting my needs would be vulnerable, and it wasn’t safe to be vulnerable growing up. I know this is MY thing and I want to honor today’s friendships with that truth. It’s easier when starting with a clean slate, than pulling up an ages-old scorecard and changing the rules. Can you identify?
If you’re remembering a recent blog, yes, this hysteria is historic. It’s based on the fact that at some time in my childhood I felt powerless, and I never learned that it was okay to set a clear boundary, because it wasn’t.
In the past, when I’ve indulged a friendship by permeating my own borders, I got allegiance because of my seeming generosity. My college roommate was an hour late to her own 60th birthday party at a restaurant where the rest of us sat and waited for her arrival. How do you get angry at that?
“No problem!”
“I was late myself.”
“I understand!”
My worry then was that if I told my truth, she wouldn’t like me. Rather, I discovered that the connection got squishy, undefined and unmoored. I didn’t like who I was with her.
When I do tell my truth, others comply, and I like me, which is the foundation of self-esteem.
I bring this up now because the quarantine has changed our daily rhythms. While I do believe we can cut each other some slack, in the last week I’ve chosen to express clarity about a missed appointment and, in another case, what I offer gratis and what I need to be paid for. The responses were swift, sincere and humble.
When boundaries are reinforced with changed behaviors, respect and kindness, self-esteem grows. What boundaries have you had to set recently? I’d love to acknowledge you!
Jane – the late thing is big. My mother in law was notorious for being late. In her 20s her friends made a date to meet her for lunch but none of them ever planned to go. She was late and no one was there. She never forgot that lesson and now she’s in a panic about being late (so she’s usually early)…maybe that’s the next plan for the 60th birthday girl! If your friendship is worth it.
@Lynne – I love that the friends were in cahoots. My roommate was so personally powerful that no one was willing to challenge her on this (except me, and I stepped away from the relationship). This example is perfection! I regret NOT having left the restaurant that night, not angrily, but in hunger! But, I was still married at the time and much about me (being the good girl) has changed. Thanks so much for this enlightening comment.
I’m now in my early 50s but when I was in my 20s / early 30s I attracted an endless stream of toxic men. At one point I had 3 terrible guys in my life: one I was “dating”, two I was doing freelance design work.
After one particularly awful interaction, I went to speak with friends that lived in my building (husband and wife — we were on the co-op board together). We talked for a long time and later that night the husband essentially staged an intervention with me. He bluntly asked: “Yes or no on ending all contact with these men.” I said I didn’t want to hurt their feelings…etc. He said, “That’s not what I asked — YES or NO on ending all contact with these men.” He pushed because he knew *I* was the one allowing them into my life and *I* was the one who could stop it.
I said YES to ending all contact and I did! This was almost 20 years ago but I remember it well. My whole life shifted from that one conversation. Three months later I went on match.com, met quite a few great guys and ended up getting married to a wonderful man and we’ve been married 15 years. I credit that one conversation and my commitment to changing.
@Pat That’s an incredible story! Thank you for sharing it here. Boy, when the student is ready…Congrats on turning your life around so completely!
I started setting new boundaries when planning my 60th birthday party last summer. I brought together 38 of my most amazing women friends that earned a place in my heart during my lifetime. I wanted the event to be inspiring so I did not include any toxic elements… my sisters in law. I gave myself permission to not yield to family obligation. It was the greatest of days because I celebrated my day with women who inspire and encourage. A recipe for peace I found.
@Katie That took enormous courage, and the satisfying result underscored your bravery. Good for you! Thanks for sharing that!