What does this historical anecdote have to do with my creative practice today? I was hoping you’d ask!

In July I sold one of my high end pillows on Etsy. I was beyond thrilled. The customer was from the Midwest and unknown to me. They must’ve been following me on Instagram or seen the wonderful spread of my work in WHERE Women Create Magazine, I thought. My ego soared as I considered the traction this sale represented. I was breaking through!

In late September I received a message via Etsy from that customer asking to return the item. They wanted their money back. I was devastated.

Fortunately, when I opened their email, I was with a good friend who witnessed my crestfallen reaction.

“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical,” she reminded me. While disappointing to have a customer change their mind, my response was out of proportion to the request.

I set aside time to do some soul-searching. What was it about this situation that seized my gut and gave it such a hard twist?

You’re probably way ahead of me on this one.

I had an upcoming meeting with my business advisory board in a few days. They’re going to ask me what Etsy’s return policy is, I anticipated. (By the way, my shop clearly states, “no returns”, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be backed up.) I headed to Etsy’s page regarding their guidelines. I discovered that they would cover up to $250 – not even a fraction of its list price – towards the refund, but the appeal had to be made within 48 hours of the sale. The request I’d received was close to three months after the sale. Etsy would defend me as a shop owner if I rejected the plea.

I wrote a kind message to the client informing them of Etsy’s policy and that I regretted that a refund would not be forthcoming.

The second I pressed SEND, I was elated. I felt a surge of relief, release… and surprisingly, deep empowerment.

Wayne Dyer, a pop psychologist I listened to in the 80s, often said, “If you can’t say ‘no’ to the person, you have to say ‘no’ to the relationship.” It took me most of my adulthood to be able to say ‘no’ to my mother. It was a form of self-care. Self-care is not selfish. You can’t contribute from an empty vessel.

As in my NOvember in December newsletter, this story relates the biggest lesson I’ve learned about saying ‘no.’ I thought it deserved its own space.

The reason this is vital is that our primal relationships impact us continually – unless or until we confront them – they inform how we interact with customers, co-workers, etc. If you are overtaken by emotion in your business, consider what may have triggered it by looking at your past. I mention this to my coaching clients on a regular basis.

My customer, like my mother, and a suitor or two, wanted more from me than I had the desire or capacity to give.

When I am overtaken by emotion, I go back to the basic tools – like looking at Etsy’s policies. How good it felt to say an informed “no” to this buyer. Their comeback?

“I won’t shop on Etsy anymore.”

Upon reading that, there was no hysteria on my part. Rather, I thought, Oh, well.

From my daily spiritual reader: We move from being at the mercy of any problem that comes along to an inner certainty that no matter what happens in our lives, we will be able to face it, deal with it, and learn from it.