I hate negativity.
I attended a lunch meeting last week with people I’d never met before. There was an informational component to the event, then Q+A and discussion among the participants. In my mind, it quickly devolved into an ain’t-it-awful session on the woes of the today’s society. I won’t participate in that conversation, expressed my thoughts as a contrarian, but didn’t get any traction or support.
I won’t be returning to that group.
Last night I had some of my neighbors over for dinner. I noticed a similar direction beginning to happen during the hors d’oeuvres part of the evening–negativity predominating the conversation. I’m okay, for a little while, talking about the disaster in Japan and the tragic bus accident on the New England thruway. But when that pessimism permeates the room and becomes powerlessness over circumstances, I need to speak up.
Something goes on in the pit of my stomach which I used to ignore. At one time in my life, I thrived on the drama of those feelings. I now recognize them (almost) immediately and decide if an action is warranted. I take the responsibility for turning the tide or making a hasty exit. Being in that unconstructive place no longer works for me.
Because it was my home and I was the hostess, I made the decision to make a request. “For the next few hours, how about if we focus only on what’s positive and happy going on in our lives and around us?” I didn’t have to ask twice. It was a wonderful evening that left me filled not only with good food, but also good feelings.
I challenge you (and myself) to take responsibility for the conversation you’re in.
Jane, this is a powerful advice. I am smiling at remembering my father’s advice to us when we were in school and overheard other children speaking in a derogatory way about someone. He encouraged us to say, “Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way about her. She’s always saying nice things about you.” I didn’t always have the courage to do it, but when I did, the person doing the ugly talking invariably backpeddled.
Elizabeth
@Elizabeth
Lucky you to have that powerful role model. Thanks so much for your comment.
Amen Sister!!!
Thanks for the great reminder jane! I am generally a very positive person, but there are others around who try to drag you down, so it is good to be reminded of how not to be. Since I have been following you for almost a year now I am always repeating all the positive lessons I continue to learn or be reminded of from you to others. By now all my close friends know all about Jane Pollack and her positive influence on me.
I so relate to this, Jane! I used to stay through the gossip sessions and complaint sessions, but I always left feeling awful about myself. Finally I realized that there was no value to that kind of thinking, that those comments weren’t helping anyone, and were in fact adding to the misery of the world.
I’ve been fortunate to work with a wonderful coach who taught me that any kind of complaint is my own responsibility- if I have something to gripe about then I need to speak up and deal with it. If it’s something unchangeable like the weather, there is no value in whining about it.
I have to say, I’m far, far from perfect! But I try to always be aware of what I’m saying. Even “jests” take on new meaning when we realize we’re responsible for our own happiness.
Hi Jane~
I’m with you…there’s enough about all the doom & gloom on every TV channel, radio station and at many office water coolers….it takes courage to speak something different. It always amazes me how many people are so willing to talk about all the negative stuff and so unwilling to talk about the positive! It is so much more pleasant and energizing to look for the good…and to expect it to show up!
Have a beautiful week~
Kathleen
I think the negativity happened at your event because of the extreme enormousness of what happened; and remember these extreme events have been piling up on us as Earth’s inhabitants. It is Japan’s 9/11 and beyond! I feel because of the timing of your event, this was bound to happen. I feel the need to talk to others in order to cope when something even remotely like this happens. It was very wise of you to reign it in, but at the same time, we haven’t been here before as far as the scope of the tragedy that occurred. It’s not about people reveling in the drama, it’s about trying to process it all in due time, and we should respect that. Just my 2 cents!
And what I want to add is…from these extremely negative events, extraordinarily positive, uplifting real life stories happen. Much bigger than any of our businesses.
I wholeheartedly agree! My mother (who was such a wise woman!) never let anger or negativity pervade the dining experience; she said it was bad for digestion. I know she was right, and I’ve always maintained the same standard at my dinner table!
Good for you for interjecting and shifting the atmospheric winds of the evening! I’m certain everyone benefitted in more ways than they even realized.
One more thought on positivity:
I refuse to start my day with the newspaper or TV news because I don’t want my first thoughts of the day to be negative. Instead, I read my Bible or something inspiring – like your motivating and thought-provoking blogs 😉 to get my day off on the “right foot.” Then, a little later, I’ll catch up on what’s happening in the world. It works for me! =)
@Julie
I’m 100% with you on how you get up in the morning. I start with 20 minutes of meditation, then read something uplifting, have some quiet time with my Higher Power, exercise and eat. Then I’m ready for anything. Thanks for your comment.
I respect your opinion, but I also think it was a bit elitist and condescending to judge and control what others say or want to talk about. It wasn’t like what they were saying was offensive.
@Sarah
I respect your opinion, too. What I want to stay away from is the world’s-going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket mentality because we’ve had a natural disaster. I don’t believe that and don’t want to give energy to that attitude. I see this as a distinction from being elitist or judging. I’m good with the facts. It’s the editorializing that gives me pause and has me wanting to walk away.
Jane I so agree with you! I’m careful about what information I let in: it’s good to be informed, don’t need to be inundated.
My husband is a VERY positive person. His family who (luckily) live 400 miles away, are extremely negative, all day, every day. Interestingly, almost all of them are unemployed, unhealthy and broke. They often comment on how “lucky” my husband and I are. . . they cannot see how their attitude is contributing to their situation, year after year — good economy or bad.
Martha Beck has a great passage about negativity (and the over-vocalizing that goes along) in Steering by Starlight. She describes how some people don’t just retell a sad/negative story — they “fondle” it. It’s their “currency”. Negativity gets some people sympathy or money from relatives or allows them to continue not taking chances (what’s the point the world could end tomorrow) or not cleaning up their acts (what’s the point the world could REALLY end tomorrow).
My husband has a knack for talking to people, making connections and bringing out the best in people & situations — I feel truly blessed to have that as an example in my life!!
Thanks, Jane! I am so in sync with you! I, too, can listen for awhile, see the powerlessness descend over the room, and then need to move on. I find the positive aspect, for me, lies in solutions. If we are going to wallow in the ills and evils, I need to do it with an eye to ~ “So, what are are we going to do about it?”
So, thanks for getting us all to think about our roles in the conversation.
@Judith
You’re welcome. Glad to have you out there on the positive side looking for solutions. Every bit helps.
I couldn’t agree more Jane! Life is too short to be around negative people and situations. I understand the need to process certain tragic events to a point, but we are more helpful when we send out prayers, hope and love. The more good energy you send out, the more you resonate with it and it keeps coming back. I don’t see that as elitist, but wisdom.
@Janet
Yes! I’m all for prayers, donations and actions on behalf of those suffering. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I think it is important for people to recognize that negativity is an unhealthy behavior in social settings. It’s not always easy to only think positively, but it makes a difference in overall happiness!
Thanks for the post!
Ashley
@Ashley
Well put! I think negativity is leaking out these days, and it’s ending up in situations where it doesn’t belong. Our job is to rein it in (or out, really). Thanks for your thoughts on this.
I love this! And it’s so true of my experience. I have the power to shift conversations and every once in a while I’ve find people who just can’t seem to do that. The negativity eats away at me if that’s all I ever hear and I’ve made tough decisions to move on.
@JPlovesCOTTON
I’ve learned to limit my time with those ‘energy vampires’. Sounds like you’re keenly aware of their impact on you. That’s the first step. Thanks for writing.
What a great post! The psychology of why people are negative — and why we sometimes find ourselves getting caught up in it is fascinating. I, too, resonate to positive people and am a natural optimist. Yet, sometimes I find myself participating in a complaint-fest with a group because they seem so committed that I don’t want to be the “an upper” — which often makes them more grumbly! Your suggestion, as usual, is simple and brilliant — simply suggest that “we all” talk about positive things for a bit”. Thanks for that perspective shift.
@Jeanine
Thanks for your comment. I never advocate Pollyanna-ism, but more for an appropriate time and place for concerns, fears and headline news. 24/7 is not acceptable. I participate in safe, structured, solution-focused conversations, but only occasionally. I prefer to take in the news in small doses, digest it and move on.