While waiting for my friend Patty to arrive for our coffee date recently I observed a young family interacting. Mom and Little Sister were taking care of personal needs in the ladies room. Dad and Big Brother were negotiating the order and table arrangements. An argument ensued over the choice of venues. Dad said to Big Brother, who was all of 4 years old, “When you go to work and make all the money, you can decide where to eat.”
Whoa, Brother! I almost did an intervention, but restrained myself. What kind of a message was he laying on that child? Is that how it works in his family? The one who brings in the income is the decision-maker. What did that little boy hear? Dad is all-powerful and money rules? It gave me shivers, and my body doesn’t lie.
What were the formative messages you heard as a kid regarding money? Some of mine were, “No one will ever pay for one of your eggs.” “That’s too much to charge.” “What am I, a money tree?” Would love to have you share the conversation you heard around money and how it impacted you personally and as a business owner.
Coming from the housing projects of the inner city, the messages I got were that “they” (rich folks) had no heart or ability to love and were all about artificial things not loving people. “They” thought they were better than us. Money breeds greed and bad values. Money gives you a big head….
In my house money was never discussed. I never knew how much my father made. I wasn’t sure what we could or could not afford. (Turned out not much.) And the most striking comment I heard was from my father, when i made a jump from one agency to another and gained a salary increase of $3,000 he said: Whoa! The day my daughter earns as much as me, I’ll cut my throat.”
This, you could say, was his “sense of humor.” I ended up quitting that particular job and ultimately going into therapy.
Interestingly, I rarely thought about money growing up. I don’t think it was given much emphasis in my home. I knew we weren’t “rich,” but I always had the feeling we were above average financially. Whenever I wanted something, somehow Mom and Dad made it happen. I’m talking about beneficial things like when I wanted an organ so I could learn to play it. For some things (like 45 rpm records which I loved 😉 I had to use my allowance or find a way to earn extra money.
It wasn’t until I was a grown woman with a family of my own that I learned how my parents had struggled financially at times. One funny story: when my mother and I were talking about this the first time, she said, “Why do you think we ate ham-and bean soup so much?” I said, “I thought it was because we all loved it so much!” Call it ignorant bliss or wise parenting, but I’m glad that it was the way it was. I had a wonderful childhood without being saddled with adult issues prematurely. I now have a healthy respect for money without giving it a place of god-like importance.
My young adult kids and I were discussing this just yesterday as I urged my daughter to, when the time comes and she is wed, to maintain seperate bank accounts, with a joint account which both contribute to household expenses.
I grew up assuming my role would be of “support” to my husband, who of course would be the bread winner. Only in recent years has this attitude been (gratefully) adjusted on my part and am happy to report such…as was a long time coming…happily contributing to family finances AND having autonomy over what is the income I’m responsible for.
@Dorothy
Thanks for this vivid example.
@Linda
I’m so glad you survived that one!
@Julie
You give a powerful example of how money can be put in its proper place without all the baggage. You’re a lucky woman.
@Ruth
Thanks for sharing this wisdom and experience.
The general msg growing up was we couldn’t afford it. We weren’t supposed to ask for things and I was chided for spending babysitting money on whatever I purchased.
My husband grew up on a farm, enjoyed working and earning money at an early age. We tried to teach our son to save but we also taught him how to earn money and bargain shop. He started a yardwork business at age 13 and ended up with a steady pt job that included adventure. At age 32 he still includes adventure in his life. My husband started saving less and having more fun.
Based on an exercise we did on a w/e with you and your daughter, I still don’t dare to spend too much. I’m very thrifty and maybe too much so.
Right now I’m trying to convince a friend to share photos of her work in our painting guild newsletter that earned high bids at a charity auction. I think she is too modest but she agrees others should know that it’s possible for your painted work to get good bids.
My dad worked his way up with only an 8th grade education. The mantra I grew up with was, “Always save half your income. You never know if you’re going to lose your job and will need something to live on.” He also told me to invest in the stock market – buy and hold. I brought my kids up with the same sayings. They are now employed and trying to save (tough in this economy.)
@Wyn
Interesting! Sounds like it served you (and your children) well.